New Calling

Quitting doesn't always equal failure

2011-06-11T12:01:00.000-04:00

I grew up believing that quitting was paramount to failure. That's not to say that I've never quit a project, a job, or a relationship, because I have. I just haven't let go without beating myself up with guilt and/or second-guessing my decision, not only in terms of the consequences, but also in terms of what quitting said about me as a person.

The belief that quitting equals failure doesn't take into consideration that some people, myself included, tend to overcommit, which by definition means that we've taken on more than we can comfortably do. While our intentions may be pure and our motives just, there are only so many hours in the day. By the time you deduct the time necessary to take care of the essential business of daily living, there's only so much time left for anything else.

Then there's the issue of goals and desires. Things change, and so do people. The dream job that inspired us at 30 may no longer excite the flames of passion at 50. People change, and so does technology, the workplace, and the economy. Even if we still love the professions we chose, circumstances may dictate course corrections in order to survive financially in today's marketplace. Friendships that worked years ago may no longer be compatible with the person we've become as we've matured and learned life lessons the hard way. Our definitions of success may have changed along with our understanding about what truly matters in life.

Thanks to a recent article by Laurie at Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals, I'm reminded that not only is it OK to let go of dreams, desires, and even commitments we may have made to ourselves or others in the past, quitting may even be healthy.

So, if there's a character flaw involved in quitting, perhaps it's in taking on more than we can accomplish in the first place, recognizing the reality of our current situation, or an acknowledgement of the ways in which we've changed an grown...rather than a lack of commitment or completion issues. At least I'd like to think so.

Gardening it forward

2011-05-22T08:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I struck up a conversation with a women in the gardening department at Home Depot. After talking about our respective gardens for a while (hers being much more established than mine) she said she was going home to thin out some of her favorite flowers and had been trying unsuccessfully to find a good home for them. She asked if I lived nearby, and if so, if I might be interested. Absolutely!

A few hours later she was showing me her lovely gardens, full of beautiful flowers and plants I'd never seen before. And, she had already prepared about 10 different cuttings for me to bring home. I offered to pay her, but she smiled and said "No, this is what gardeners do. When it's time, you can pay it forward from your gardens."

What a beautiful gift and a more beautiful challenge to pay it forward.

Reframing Mistakes

2011-05-07T07:51:00.001-04:00

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, many small, but some huge. I've spent a lot of time replaying those mistakes over and over, beating myself up and asking all sorts of questions for which there aren't any answers.

I'm beginning to realize that all the condemnation and recrimination in the world won't make those "mistakes" go away. I'm also beginning to realize that I may be doing myself and my spirit a serious disservice by attaching value judgments to past decisions. The intrepretations I attached to them were much worse than the decisions themselves were. They were not "good" or "bad", they just were.

Would I have made different choices and done a lot of things differently if I knew then what I know now? Of course I would. But therein lies the point... IF I'd known then what I know now... the simple truth is that I didn't.

I have to accept, and live with, the consequences of my choices, all of them. But I don't have to continue to beat myself up because of them. Through God's grace, and the process of healing, I'm learning to realize that I did the best I could at the time. I didn't knowingly make decisions that would cause pain for me or others. If I'd had the wisdom, patience, strength, or courage to make healthier choices I would have. God knows that and He has forgiven me. Now it's time for me to forgive myself.

Photo by eggman at Flickr.com

Patience pays

2011-05-04T19:48:00.001-04:00

I spent at least 4 hours over the past weekend searching for a 42" TV. Never mind that I need a new TV like a need a hole in the head, but I really wanted one. It's been a very challenging winter on several fronts and I needed something tangible to boost my spirits and remind me that I'm not making all the sacrifices I'm making for nothing.

By Sunday afternoon I was so frustrated and exhausted with the process of trying to figure out which TV was the best value that I was ready to buy anything - just to be able to be done with it so I could go home and watch a movie. Everytime I made a decision, I found out that the TV I'd chosen wasn't available in-stock, or they only had one left and the stand was missing. Great.

Thankfully that small still voice, confirmed by a friend who'd come along to help me get my new TV home, convinced me that perhaps the reason I was having so much trouble with this decision was because that was not the time to make the purchase. Of course that only made me more frustrated, but I resisted the urge to buy one anyway, and went home.

By yesterday I felt ready to try again. I made a few phone calls and realized that model I was leaning towards was no longer available and the next closest model was $75 more. When I got to the store determined to buy this one while I had the chance, something amazing happened. I found a similar TV, with double the Hz speed (refresh rate) for $200 less! I got the TV set-up last night and discovered that I love it. I am a very satisfied customer, but more importantly, I am again humbled by the lessons God teaches us in the most unexpected ways. He's always talking. It's up to us to listen.

Love really is a verb

2011-04-16T08:58:00.012-04:00

It's not often that a blog post moves me to tears, but this one did. In it, WillThink4Wine writes so eloquently about the true meaning of love. I couldn't agree with her more when she writes that "I believe that when someone really loves you, really values you deeply, the words "I Love You" need never be spoken. You will feel the love, all the way to the core of your being."

I was reminded of the night I finally realized my marriage was over. I'd asked my husband if he loved me. He thought about it for a while (not a good sign), and then he said "Love is the most overused and misunderstood word in the English language." I remember wishing that he'd just stabbed me with a knife. I think it would have hurt less. The fact that he couldn't answer the question directly told me all I needed to know at that time. Since then, I've realized that what was more significant was the fact that I needed to ask the question at all. He was being as honest and he knew how to be. And as painful as it was in that moment, and in the weeks and months to come, his honesty saved me from a lifetime of pain.

Thankfully, I've moved on, both emotionally and spiritually. And by the grace of God, I now know that I am capable of giving and receiving love, from the right people in the right circumstances. WillThink4Wine's post reminded me to embrace my relationships with an open mind and an open heart, remembering that not everybody who says "I love you" really does, and that sometimes those who really do, don't say it with those words. It also reminded me that the same holds true for me.

Photo by Fe 108AUMS at Flickr.com

Loneliness hurts

2011-04-14T20:53:00.001-04:00

I saw the headline of an article earlier this week that suggests that having a "broken heart" can be physically painful. I think the same is true of profound loneliness.

I think there's a common misconception about what loneliness looks like. That may be why so many people are in denial about their own loneliness or the loneliness of the people around them who appear to be anything but lonely.

Yes, I have friends, but most of my closest friends live too far away to be able to visit. Yes, I have hobbies and interests (both old and new) that occupy a lot of my time. Yes, I'm employed and interact with colleagues and clients every day. Yes, thankfully, my mother is alive and well and lives nearby so we talk almost every day. Yes, I enjoy solititude, at times, and I enjoy my own company (although I haven't always). How, then, could I possibly feel lonely?

A busy life does not always equate with a fulfilling one. Most of my days are as busy as I want (or need) them to be, and there are plenty of people that I could spend time with if I want to. But that's not what I want. What I want is companionship, a sense of connection and emotional intimacy. I want to go to a great movie and then talk about it for hours over dinner. I want to cook a great meal, knowing that someone is there to share it with me. I want to listen to jazz, and maybe even dance, at a dimly lit jazz club. I want to play Scrabble late into the night, with someone who can actually beat me some of the time. I want to share my thoughts, my dream,s and my fears with someone who'll listen with open ears and an open heart. I want to give of myself to someone who'll appreciate my efforts and not take me for granted. I want to have plans to look forward to next weekend or next month. I want to make memories.

Can't I go to a movie, cook a good meal, listen to great music, e-mail my friends, or play Scrabble on my computer by myself? Of course I can. And I do. I can also knit, read, take pictures, blog, surf the net and work on one of the many book projects that I have planned. And I do. Some days I'm perfectly fine with that, but even then, I'm still lonely as hell. It's as if I'm all dressed up, with nowhere to go. I think Vincent van Gogh summed it up when he said that "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it."

Photo by Rogerio Zgiet on Flickr.com

The hypocrisy of false positives

2011-02-14T22:51:00.001-05:00

I've always prided myself on being one who sees the glass as being half full rather than half empty. No matter what the circumstances, I've always been able to find the silver lining and convince myself that happier days were right around the corner.

In recent weeks I've come to question that strategy. I'm beginning to wonder if as a society we do ourselves a disservice by insisting that presenting a positive spin to the world, and to ourselves, is the only appropriate way to get through a difficult period in our lives.

Why do we think less of people who are unable to remain upbeat and optimistic when their lives are falling apart around them? Why do we rush to repeat callous cliches like "It could be worse," "This too shall pass," or "Nobody said life was fair"? Have those declarations, and others like them, ever made any person feel any better? It's doubtful.

How many times have we been told, or told our children, that if we study hard, play by all the rules, and do our best, that we can do and be anything? I'm certain there are countless un- and under-employed people with advanced degrees who'd beg to differ. The world is full of people who have studied hard, worked hard, withstood the odds, done their best, and still can't find a decent job.

How often have we perpetrated the myth of Cinderella and her dashing Prince, convincing our precious daughters, and our own wounded selves, that if we are loving enough, patient enough, or giving enough, our Prince will come and we'll live happily ever after. The world is full of wonderful, loving, caring people, both men and women, whose hearts have been broken time and time again.

I understand the philosophy behind positive thinking, and I can clearly see the downside of thinking negatively, but why must the only two options be the extremes? While expecting the worst all the time would be terribly depressing, most of us know that our worst fears rarely come to fruition, which means that we're bound to be pleasantly surprised at least some of the time. On the other hand, constantly expecting the best, only to be disappointed time and time again, gets to be terribly depressing after a while too.

Here's a novel concept. Instead of wasting time trying to figure out whether I should be perceiving the glass as half empty or half full, maybe I'll just see the glass as it is. And the next time I want to "help" someone who's feeling down about their circumstances to snap out of it, I'll simply let them know I hear them and wish them well.

UPDATE: I wrote this post yesterday. Today I was reading posts on a writer forum I belong to and a woman wrote that she had just been diagnosed with a rapidly metastasizing form of breast cancer. A well-meaning person wrote back "Just remember... this too shall pass." I'm sure the guy didn't mean it the way it sounded, but when someone is fighting a potentially fatal disease, does it really help to remind them that this too shall PASS? This is exactly what I'm talking about. Why is it that we've become so quick to put a positive spin on everything, no matter how difficult or painful, that we lose common sense and decency?

Photo by Mr. Keef

Social media is here to stay

2011-01-26T18:38:00.001-05:00

I must admit that I've been very slow to jump on the social media bandwagon. I have Facebook and LinkedIn accounts, but I don't use them much and I'm sure I only touch the surface when it comes to all the features available. I don't understand why people think anyone would want to know that they just ate a giant bowl of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, it's snowing outside, or that they just finished cleaning up after a sick puppy.

As annoying as the personal updates are, in many ways the "professional" updates are worse. Constant contact isn't necessarily productive or effective content. I often wonder how successful some professionals can possibly be if they spend all day every day sending out tweets, Facebook updates, and changes to their LinkedIn profiles. I simply find the never-ending updates and links hawking goods and services that I don't want or need to be very intrusive and irritating.

Perhaps it's because I'm an HSP/introvert that I find it all so overwhelming. Or maybe I'm just old-school. Whatever the reason, I'd better find a way to get used to it, because it looks like social media is here to stay. It pains me to say that, but I'm afraid it's true. Don't believe me, check out this video, then you decide.

Icon image by mfinley designs.

Forgiveness

2011-01-25T19:34:00.000-05:00

The subject of forgiveness has been a ongoing theme for me for some time now - longer than I like to admit. I've experienced a lot of pain in my life, and I've had lots of experience at forgiving. However, I'm still fascinated by the process, particularly the correlation (or lack of it) between the intensity of the hurt and my relationship with the person who hurt me.

While I could spend time analyzing how and why I forgive, or don't, it's irrelevant. What matters is that forgiveness is something that I have to do, whether I want to or not, and whether it's easy or not. It's not something I need to do for the people who've hurt me. It's something I need to do for myself. I've written more about the importance of forgiveness and the specific challenges of forgiving a family member at Suite101.

2010: The Year in Review

2011-01-02T12:05:00.002-05:00

2010 started with such great hope and optimism. While it got off to a good start, my enthusiasm for a great year didn't last long. From a potentially blinding eye problem resulting in major surgery, to the complicated and confusing end of an important relationship, to saying good-bye to a small business I'd run for nearly 10 years, 2010 was a year of endings.

This season of grief has been overwhelming at times, but it has not been without its opportunities for growth. I've learned a lot in the midst of the storm.

Things are not always as they seem. Nothing made this point clearer than undergoing cataract surgery in July 2009, followed by emergency surgery for a detached retina only six months later. What we see with our eyes is rarely all there is. Life would be so much richer if we could see our lives the way God sees them.

God is teaching us things even when He seems silent. It would be wonderful if God called us on our cell phones or sent a text message when He had something important to say to us. Unfortunately, He doesn't work that way. God is communicating with us all the time, it's just harder to hear Him and know what to do when He seems silent. But, it's during those times of silence that it's more important than ever to strive even harder for an intimate, personal relationship with Him.

Growth requires letting go. Situations and people enter our lives for a reason, and usually only for a season. Rarely does a situation or a relationship last forever. Part of maturing is learning to acknowledge that as we change, our needs and our priorities change as well. We can be thankful for the learning opportunities that were provided when we needed them, yet still be prepared to gracefully move on when they are no longer working for us. Periodically we need to reexamine our lives and take an honest inventory of whether the things and people we surround ourselves with our helping or hindering our spiritual and emotional growth. We need to nurture and develop those things that are healthy, and gracefully let go of those that are not.

Sometimes acceptance is more important than rationalization. Sometimes we can analyze and rationalize ourselves into knots, expending countless time and energy but never resolving the issue that challenges us. I'm learning that understanding the what and why of a situation is not nearly as important as accepting the reality that it exists and moving forward accordingly.

If the shoe doesn't fit, maybe it's the wrong size. Many of us go through life wearing other peoples' expectations, goals, and dreams, all the while thinking that they are our own. If things just aren't working for us, or if we've achieved the trappings of success that we thought we wanted, only to find that something is still missing, maybe it's because we're not being true to our most authentic selves.

Despite facing one challenge and/or disappointment after another in 2010, I am thankful for the lessons I learned and the clarity I received about some things that have been troubling me for some time. Perhaps most importantly, even though 2010 didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, I made it through and I'm entering 2011 with an even greater sense of hope and optimism for the New Year.

Wishing you love, joy, peace and prosperity in 2011!

Photo credit

Spiritual deadheading

2010-12-18T11:04:00.001-05:00

Even though it's the middle of winter, my mind drifted to gardening today. Specifically I found myself thinking about deadheading flowers. Go figure.

Perhaps it's the approaching New Year that has been contemplating what I need to leave behind as I enter into the New Year.

Whatever the reason, I just posted an article on the parallels between the deadheading I due in my garden to help my flowers and shrubs be as beautiful and as healthy as they can be and the spiritual deadheading that I believe God calls each of us to do in our lives.

An open letter to boomers

2010-12-05T12:20:00.006-05:00

I wish I'd written this post, but I didn't. I found it today on LinkedIn, posted by David on the Aspiring Writers Group board. He says he didn't write it either, but he doesn't think that the original author would mind if others shared it. I tend to agree, so here it is, reposted in its entirety as I found it.

WE ARE AWESOME !!!

No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,

WE ARE AWESOME !!!

OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!

To Those of Us Born between 1925 - 1970 :

~~~~~~~~~

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummiesin baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes,we had baseball caps,not helmets, on our heads.As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight. WHY?Because we were always outside playing...that's why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.No one was able to reach us all day.--And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents. We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, belt, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse. We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and -although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,problem solvers, and inventors ever. The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas...We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. If YOU are one of those born between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

Giving great gifts doesn't have to break the bank

2010-12-04T16:54:00.002-05:00

Today I started a series of articles for Suite101.com on gift ideas in time for the holiday shopping season. If you're looking for creative, unusual and inexpensive give ideas, check out Inexpensive Gift Basket Ideas Using Dollar Store Items, 6 Easy and Inexpensive DIY Gardening Gift Ideas, and Inexpensive Gift Ideas for All Types of Gardeners

Revelations from the road

2010-12-01T19:40:00.002-05:00

My recent road trip held even more revelations than I'd anticipated in my previous post. I started my journey with my GPS, but also with printed directions from MapQuest. Even though I knew the GPS would get me there turn by turn, the ability to see the "big picture" was an extra measure of security for me.

As it turned out, my parents were on a road trip of their own, traveling north as I was, about an hour or so ahead of me. Not long into my journey my Mom called me to give me her version of the real-time traffic reports. She strongly suggested that I avoid I-95 at all costs because of extremely heavy holiday traffic. So, as it turned out, my big picture directions which had me traveling on I-95 for much of the way were suddenly useless. I had to laugh at the irony of having to rely on my GPS after all.

As I reached the DC area, something unexpected happened. Even though I was driving east towards Annapolis to avoid I-95, my GPS refused to recalibrate for the new route and for about 30 miles it insisted on telling me to turn at every conceivable exit in order to make my way towards Baltimore to connect with I-95. While trying to ignore the directions coming from the GPS, I started thinking about the voices of often well-meaning friends and others who try to convince us to go in the direction they think we should be going, even if we know the path that we're supposed to be taking. While their directions may still get us where we need to go, there may be a better path for us to take. After all, God can see those obstacles and challenges ahead that we and others can't see.

After I crossed the Bay Bridge and got past the exits to Baltimore, I noticed another interesting pattern. The GPS stopped talking altogether. For about 40-50 miles there was complete silence. At some point I realized that the reason the GPS wasn't giving me directions was because there weren't any. I was on the road I was supposed to be on, so there was nothing more to say. At that point I realized there's another reason why God is sometimes silent. When we're doing what we're supposed to be doing, we simply need to keep at it until God tells us to do otherwise.

I'd say this was a pretty productive trip!

A real life road trip

2010-11-22T20:14:00.003-05:00

I had an interesting revelation while preparing for my upcoming Thanksgiving holiday road trip. Even though I have a GPS in my car, I still found myself printing door-to-door directions from Google Maps. I realized that even though I would have step-by-step directions right there in the car, I still needed the additional comfort of a printed set of directions that showed me the entire route at the same time.

It occurred to me that my daily walk with God is sort of like this upcoming trip. Even though God is there providing step-by-step instructions as my own personal God's Positioning System, I still want to see the big picture. I still want to know where I'm ultimately headed and which route He's sending me on to get me there.

As much as I want to see God's big picture for my life, maybe that's not such a good idea. After all, He must have a good reason for not showing us all we want to see at one time. Maybe He knows that too much information will be confuse and overwhelm us. Maybe He knows that we might not want to go where we ultimately need to be. Or maybe He knows that if we see the big picture, we won't understand it anyway.

As much as I want all the answers now, I've got to trust that God knows best. Just like my GPS, I have to be willing to trust Him to get me where He's destined me to be - one turn at a time.

Lessons I learned from cataract surgery

2010-11-20T15:30:00.002-05:00

Today I was reflecting on the need to see things from God's perspective rather than our own. When things aren't going as we'd planned or hoped, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that we can only see a very limited piece of the bigger picture. I was reminded of how I learned this lesson in a vivid way last year when I had cataract surgery. That experience taught me to view life from a different perspective. I've posted lessons I learned from cataract surgery here.

A season of silence

2010-11-15T19:30:00.001-05:00

There are times in my life when God is on a roll - the blessings come faster than I can count them. Now is not one of those times. I've been struggling through a season of silence for a couple of months now and I haven't been handling it as gracefully as I'd like.

Thankfully, while God may not be speaking to me in ways that I can readily understand, He has been showing me how to use this period as a learning opportunity. Click here to read my thoughts on learning how to listen even when God is silent.

The importance of sharing

2010-11-03T18:43:00.008-04:00

People who know me well, and perhaps some who don't, know that I often share the painful experiences of my past. My ex-husband was a very private person, and he hated this quality about me. I could never get him to understand that there is no value in keeping lessons learned to ourselves. I believe it is a moral obligation, a calling, to try to help ease the pain of others when I can by sharing my story.

We go through trials not only to make us stronger, but to provide us with opportunities to help others grow stronger as well. Who better to help someone who's hurting than someone who's been hurt? Who better to offer advice, wisdom, or guidance in solving a problem than someone who's been there? Sometimes the only sense we can make of an otherwise senseless tragedy is to turn it into an opportunity to bless others. That's the reason for my knitting ministry and the reason why I write.

I think Eleanor Roosevelt had it right when she said "What is to give light must endure the burning."

Praying inside the box

2010-11-01T20:48:00.002-04:00

Many people believe that we should ask God for what we want, leave our prayers with Him, and move on, knowing that He will answer our prayers in His time and in His way. In theory that makes perfect sense. I wish I was disciplined enough to do it. I've gotten better about not repeating the same prayer over

and over again, but for some reason I still find it hard to let my prayers go.

I was looking through my jewelry box yesterday and I found my prayer box. It's a very tiny silver box charm on a thin silver chain. Inside I found a tiny strip of paper, dated August 2009, on which I'd typed my prayer for that season of my life, namely that God would bless me with a home by the end of the year. At that point I hadn't started looking for a house. I closed on my home on October 1st, only two months later.

Today I replaced that prayer with three new ones. Knowing that they're there, hidden in plain sight, and knowing that God answered in amazing ways the last time, I think I'll be able to let go and let God on these prayers too. I'm excited to see how He's going to move (and when).

Unexpected blessings

2010-10-24T19:41:00.009-04:00

This morning as I sat on my front steps browsing through the Sunday paper, I found myself crying while reading an article about Bucket Lists. It was supposed to be an upbeat article about all the really cool things that people had on their lists and the joy of crossing things off one by one .

I've been going through a bit of a tough time lately and the thought of creating a list of wonderful things that I'd never realistically be able to afford to do made me very sad. That said, I'd started a list this summer that only has two items on it so far: (1) to see Sade perform in concert - anywhere - and (2) to see Jonathan Butler perform live in South Africa.

A few minutes ago I got an e-mail from my daughter, Lindsey, containing concert ticket confirmation information. My darling daughter bought two second row club seat tickets for me to attend the Sade concert in Philadelphia in June 2011! And as if that's not enough, "Your Love Is King" (by Sade) just came on the radio as I started typing this very paragraph. I'm convinced this is God's way of telling me that I mustn't forget that He is in control, and that through Him, anything and everything is possible. He can always make a way, even when I can't see one. Tonight I thank God and I thank Lindsey.

Tell the new story

2010-10-23T12:07:00.011-04:00

Gregg Levoy writes that psychologist Jean Houston stresses that "In order to discover what is trying to be born in you from your wound, what gift or call might be pressing for delivery... you need to stop reciting the small story about it - the particulars, the details - and tell the larger story. Tell the tale anew this time with the wounding as the middle of the story."

I've been thinking about this idea for a while now that for some people (myself included), the embryo of their life's calling comes not from their greatest achievement, but from their greatest disappointment. Maybe these "bad things" aren't meant to punish us, but rather to prepare us. Maybe we haven't been singled out because God is angry with us, but because He has chosen us to do something that not everyone can (or is willing to) do.

What better person to help someone who's hurting, than someone who's survived the same pain? Who better to try to help others avoid costly and painful mistakes, than someone who's already made them?

There used to be a skit on Saturday Night Live about two guys who'd recount outrageously painful and unlikely accidents, like having an electric nail shot up their nostril, to see which one could come up with the most painful experience. Misery may love company, but when we hear other peoples' stories, it's not simply knowing that someone else has been in the same place that makes us feel better. What makes the difference is knowing that they survived, that they grew because of the experience, and are better human beings because of it.

I have lots of stories to tell, and now I understand why I haven't been able to tell them before now, because I wouldn't have been telling the right version... that's the one that puts the pain of my past in the middle of the story. I've officially crossed over into the good part, so let the stories begin.

An open letter to my exes

2010-10-23T11:34:00.007-04:00

I've been hurt. A lot. But over time I've come to understand that no situation, and no relationship, is without purpose. People are brought into our lives to teach us things, and for us to teach them things, and although they’re sometimes quite painful, these lessons are a necessary part of growing.

There is an exercise called "clarity through contrast" that involves reflecting on past relationships, specifically the things we do not want, in order to become clearer on what we do want. Once I was able to release the anger and the embarrassment of my failed relationships, I was able to see the value in them. Just as cold, dreary days make me appreciate the warmth of the sun, each of those relationships with Mr. Wrong has helped me be clearer about Mr. Right.

So, if I were to write an open letter to my exes, I'd simply say "thank you" to each of them.

Thank you for teaching me about the power of forgiveness when I was able to forgive my best friend for sleeping with you.

Thank you for realizing that you "weren't man enough" to stay when I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness15 years ago. I was misdiagnosed. The doctors were wrong about me, but you were right about you.

Thank you for not adopting my daughter, even though we both wanted you to at the time. She's so much better off without you in her life. I am too.

Thank you for making me realize that there isn't enough love, compassion, or patience to heal a heart that isn't ready or willing to be healed. The more I tried to heal your heart, the more I broke my own.

Thank you for being so impossible to please. The more I tried to change myself to be the person I thought you wanted me to be, the less I liked the person I'd become.

Thank you for breaking up with me so ruthlessly. It was a clean break, so there were no jagged edges to get in the way of my healing. Had you not ended things so completely, I might not have been over you when someone new came into my life.

Where did we get the notion that our hearts would never be broken? Why are we so terrified of being hurt that we become unwilling or unable to open our hearts and souls to another? The painful lessons of our past are not punishment – they are practice – to better prepare and equip us to handle the blessings God has in store for us when we’re ready to receive them.

So, yes, I've been hurt by men before. Many times, but you know what? I'm not mad at 'em.

Man Up: 7 tips for ending a relationship the right way

2010-10-20T21:09:00.003-04:00

Breaking up is painful, but many times the way the breakup is handled is more painful the end to the relationship itself. Thankfully I'm not going through a breakup right now, but I felt called to write this piece anyway. Surely someone somewhere may find it helpful.

Do your shoes fit?

2010-10-18T14:29:00.006-04:00

According to author Barbara Sher, "the reason most of us haven't been able to run after our dreams is that we were wearing the wrong size shoes. All we have to do is discover what fits us, and chances are we'll do just fine!"

The more I think about this, the more true I find it to be - on so many levels. For years, my "work shoes" were too big. And perhaps even worse, my "personal shoes" were too small.

What a beautifully simple analogy to help me understand why I constantly struggled, stumbled and fell. For years I wore the shoes that I thought I was supposed to be wearing. Like Cinderella's step-sisters, I tried hard to convince myself and others that they fit, no matter how uncomfortable they were.

It wasn't until I took them off -- not by choice, but because I just couldn't stand them a minute longer -- that I realized that they didn't fit at all. Not only did they not feel right for me, but I didn't even like the way I looked in them! How could it have taken me so long to figure this out?

Well, the good news is that I did figure it out. And after quite a few years of walking through life in poorly fitting shoes, I've finally figured out what works for me. God has given me new shoes now and they were made just for me.

Lazy, lovely Sunday afternoon

2010-10-03T12:17:00.002-04:00

Today I had lunch with a wonderful new friend and sister-in-Christ, Carol. We met through LinkedIn. Yes, real-life connections can and do happen there. We spent the afternoon getting to know each other. We shared our stories and our dreams. We marveled at all the things we're discovering that we have in common, and we've already started finding ways we can encourage and lift each other up.

After lunch we did a little window shopping and on the way back to our cars we ran into a few musicians conducting an impromptu jam session on the sidewalk. As it turns out, Carol new them from the local music scene. One thing led to another and before I knew it, Carol was standing there on the sidewalk singing a jazz standard.

Beautiful weather, good food, new friends, lovely music, soft breezes... now that's a beautiful way to spend a Sunday afternoon. I thank God for allowing my path to cross Carol's. If you live in the Richmond area, be sure to check Carol out. You'll be blessed.

Defining family

2010-09-13T12:28:00.013-04:00

Yesterday I saw Eat Pray Love and I was moved beyond words. I know the movie didn't get rave reviews, and I hadn't read the best-selling book, but I do like Julia Roberts and I've always been fascinating by tales of exploration and transformation, so I went to see it and I absolutely loved it .

On the surface, I thought the movie was visually stunning, but optics aside, there were so many lessons, so many trials and triumphs. I can't imagine having the funds or the courage to travel the world as Liz Gilbert did. Then I realized that I don't have to. I feel as if I experienced her journey with her and am prepared to embrace the lessons she learned. I'm thankful to Liz Gilbert, Julia Roberts, and everyone else involved in bringing this amazing journey to life for those of us who're open to seeing the beauty of the story that was being told.

Earlier today I sent an email to a friend, trying to express my thoughts on the movie without giving anything away in case she hadn't seen it and was planning to. As a point of reference, I told her that while I love movies, I've only purchased 3 movies on DVD - ever... Under the Tuscan Sun, Something's Gotta Give, and Avatar (because I thought the computer animation was incredible). I added that I would be buying Eat Pray Love as soon as it came out on DVD. Since then I've been thinking about how weird it must have sounded that of the hundreds, if not thousands, of movies I've seen, these are the only ones I've bought.

I started wondering if there were any common themes, and it came to me almost immediately that there was one. In each of these wildly different movies, the theme of "family" resonated with me. Not family as in blood line or marriage. Not family as in the traditional nuclear unit. Not family as in The Huxtables either. The thread that binds them all to my heart is the idea of family being something that we chose to cobble together over time. It comes in different sizes, shapes, ages, and backgrounds, and rarely looks the way we would have imagined. Yet there is love, encouragement, support, laughter, tears and an unwavering commitment to a sense of shared destiny, no matter where each member's path may lead.

At 51, I'm building my family. Perhaps I have been for a while, but just didn't realize it. The circle is small, and they don't even all know each other, but they all know me, the real me, and they love me because of who I am, not in spite of it. Today I thank God for my family, the ones that are already in my life and the ones that haven't shown up yet.

Is your call still waiting?

2010-09-01T19:03:00.007-04:00

"Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” I don't know where that quote originated, but I saw it posted on FaceBook recently. It's so true... and so applicable to my life .

I've been procrastinating for years on committing fully to what I believe my calling to be. I convinced myself that I had great reasons for holding
off, but it boils down to one ugly truth: fear. Fear of not being able to support myself financially, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of uncertainty, fear of not having a steady paycheck, fear of not having health insurance or sick leave.

As valid as my fears may be, none of them address the most important issue. I believe that I've been called to a purpose, but recognizing the call isn't enough. I'm not going to be at peace until I answer that call.

What about you? Do you know what your life purpose is? Are you doing it? If, so, do you have any advice you can share on moving beyond the fear and going for it? If not, why not? If not now, when?

Care to join me in a challenge to answer the call waiting?

My personal GPS

2010-08-25T20:17:00.003-04:00

During my years conducting market research feasibility studes for commercial real estate development projects, I spent countless hours driving around unfamiliar cities, balancing watching the road, looking for street signs, and trying to decipher a road map - all at the same time. How much easier it would have been to simply start the car, type in the address of my destination, and allow a pleasant voice to guide me from where I was to where I needed to be. Alas, I learned to do it myself the old-school way, but using a GPS makes driving so much simpler, and allows for fewer time-consuming mistakes. I've decided that the next car I buy will definitely have a GPS in it .

Living life on my own is like driving in a strange city without a GPS. In fact, sometimes it's like driving without a map at all. Even if I know where I want to end up, knowing which route to take is often an overwhelming decision. And I make the wrong turns more often than I'd like to admit. As soon as I realize I've made a wrong turn, I try to look around, get my bearings, and get back on track. Sometimes I'm able to find my way again quickly. But many times I drive around, often in circles, trying to figure out which way I should be going.

I now have a basic GPS system in my car. More importantly though, I have a GPS system of another sort - a better sort - that's with me all the time. It's my God's Positioning System (a.k.a. Prayer), that keeps me on track. Whether I know where I'm headed it or not, it always gets me there. I notice that it doesn't always direct me in the path I would have chosen, and it doesn't always use the shortest or most direct route. But it always gets me exactly where I'm supposed to be exactly when I'm supposed to be there.

And the thing I like best about my GPS system is that even though I often make a wrong turn, even when it's already told me which way to go, it doesn't shut off because I made a mistake. It simply says "Recalibrating", and gently directs me back on the right path from exactly where I am.

God is like that. He's always there to direct our path, if we'll simply let Him. I'm learning the hard way that it's always good to ask for directions, even if we think we know the way. Because just like the satellites that guide earthly GPS systems can detect traffic delays and reroute us to a better route, God knows things that we couldn't possibly know and He often diverts our path to keep us from harm, to show us something we need to see, or to bring us an unexpected blessing.

I already have the best GPS system there is. I just need to remember to keep it turned on.

Take control by letting go of it

2010-08-23T19:21:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest examples of the disservice done by modern-day "self help" movements is the fallacy that we can (and should) control every aspect of our lives. Please don't misunderstand, I am a major advocate of personal responsibility and accountability, but the key word is "personal". One of the most basic life lessons is also one of the hardest to accept, that the only person we can change is ourselves. Too often, we've come to believe that taking responsibility for our own lives means controlling circumstances, and people, over which we have no control.

It's not until we learn to truly let go of the things we cannot control, by learning to accept "what is", that we can be free to make the choices that will define our lives. There is something so liberating about letting go of the need to control others. Not only is it healthier for us, but it's healthier for them too in the long run. By letting others accept the consequences of their actions (or lack of action), hopefully they will learn and grow as a result. At the same time, refusing to accept responsibility for controlling what we cannot saves time and emotional energy that we can use for things that we can influence.

Whether it's a spouse, friend, boss or child, try letting go of the need to control the situation that's frustrating you. Accept it for what it is, knowing that your only true options are to accept the reality of it or to remove yourself from the situation. Not sure which to do? That's okay. Unless the situation is life threatening, you probably don't need to make a final decision today. So, for now, simply decide to stop pushing against the weight of it and take time to rest.

Thoughts on turning 50

2010-08-15T11:40:00.000-04:00

I know there are women who dread the mere thought of turning 50, but I'm not one of them. In fact, I turned 50 not too long ago and all things, considered, I've never been happier. For me, 50 really is the new 40 (maybe even 35) and I'm embracing the beginning of my "second half" with a spirit of gratitude, celebration and anticipation .

Of course I have some regrets. Doesn't everybody? In my opinion, those without regrets haven't lived a full life. However, I can honestly say that I've learned from every relationship, job, relocation, or other major decision that didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I'm comforted by the knowledge that each of those "mistakes" represented an important lesson that I needed to learn, and had I not experienced those lessons, as painful as they were, I may not be the woman I am today.

I can't begin to count the number of things I've learned during my first half, which I sometimes jokingly refer to as my "practice", but here are few of the biggies:

1. Style is much better than fashion. It lasts much longer and wears much better. Style doesn't have to be expensive. In fact, it's much more fun when it isn't.

2. Having boundaries isn't selfish. Not having boundaries is a self-imposed recipe for disaster.

3. Debt is not unavoidable. Living within my means is much better than living under a mountain of debt to impress people I don't even care about. The people that I do care about don't care how much "stuff" I have.

4. My job doesn't define me, my passions do.

5. I used to be my own worst critic. I fired myself - permanently.

6. Clutter is as clutter does. It's unattractive, unproductive, and it drains me. Less is definitely more!

7. Solitude isn't a sign of failure. Genuinely enjoying my time alone is a sign of strength.

8. Forgiveness isn't something to do for the other person, it's my gift to myself. When I forgive someone who's hurt me deeply, the person I set free is me.

9. I'm doing the best that I can, one day at a time, and that's enough.

10. God loves me, and so do I.

Defying the Curse of the Boyfriend Sweater

2010-07-24T18:19:00.000-04:00

A few years ago I "broke up" with the man I'd been dating. To be honest, to say that we "broke up" is not quite accurate. Technically, he dumped me. But that's not the point of this story.

He knew that I loved to knit and to my surprise, just a few weeks before he vanished, he mentioned the possibility of me knitting an
afghan for him. I was elated. I scoured the internet for patterns and he finally chose a great one and I ordered the yarn. In fact, the box of 15 skeins of black wool arrived the week before he flew the coop.

So, there I was, sitting home alone, newly dumped and crying like there was no tomorrow, staring at a big box full of black yarn - a very expensive, very big box of black yarn. Yes, I was aware of the Curse of the Boyfriend Sweater, and although I don't consider myself to be superstitious, I've been a victim of the curse in the past. So naturally my first instinct was to return the yarn, or if that wasn't possible, to sell it on ebay.

But then this wasn't technically the Boyfriend Sweater Curse because he wasn't my boyfriend anymore, right? More importantly, although I couldn't explain why at the time, I needed to knit this afghan. And I'm so glad I did, because transforming that black box of yarn that symbolized a failed relationship into something that I'm very proud of was just what I needed to do to help me move on.

What started out as a big box of black wool is now a beautiful black cabled afghan that I gave to my ex. It took the better part of two months to knit, but it was worth every minute that I spent on it.

Why would I spend that kind of money and time on a man who dumped me? I'm so glad you asked! :)

Knitting this afghan was not about him, it was about me. For me, there is something so cathartic, so healing, about knitting. The time I spend knitting is meditative, it's contemplative, it's prayerful, it's relaxing and it's creative. And in the end, it's much less expensive and much more productive than time spent talking to a therapist.

When I started this project, it was painfully slow-going. Perhaps the flood of tears clouded my vision and slowed me down. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get through this. By the time I reached the middle, I was mad as hell and the yarn was almost flying through my fingers.

But then something very different happened. The true lessons of this experience started to take shape. I did do it right this time. I did learn from all those failed relationships of the past and entered this one with hope and optimism, but also with important knowledge about myself, my co-dependent tendencies and my "relationship issues". In this relationship, probably for the first time, I was the woman I wanted to be, and damn it, she's pretty cool.

So though I detest the way he handled our break-up, I can't help but be grateful for the lessons this experience taught me. I'm more self-confident now than ever before. I have an even clearer idea of what I want (and don't want) in a relationship, and I know that I can survive without one. How can I stay mad at someone who, albeit unknowingly, helped me discover these truths about myself?

Needless to say, I'm no longer heartbroken. I'm no longer angry. I just am.

So what's the moral of this story? Not everything we think we're doing for someone else is really about them, sometimes it's about us. Knitting, in particular, is about so much more than the finished product. It's about the process. I don't know what ever happened to that afghan. I don't even know if he kept it. It doesn't matter. What matters is that the process of knitting that afghan for him helped me find much-needed closure. In this case, the quasi-curse turned out to be a blessing.